He is NOT Broken

As I start this post I know it will take me several posts to convey my feelings.  Not because I don't know what to say, but because I have so much to say at the same time that my thoughts are going to take a while to sort out.  This has been an exhausting experience, and it has only just started.

"We would like to have AJ evaluated for the Autism Spectrum."  With those words my world changed.  It's not to say that I didn't see it coming.  I saw the signs.  I'm his mother.  I know him better than any other person on the face of this planet.  I saw that some things were harder for him to understand than others.  I battled through the frustrated melt downs; clenched my teeth through the spasmodic (and ear-splitting) outbursts of joy; endured the constant, yet halting off-topic chatter; held his sobbing body every time one more thing in his life changed.

The signs may have been there, but there were other things that didn't fit.  He is very "touchy-feely".  He loves cuddling.  He is very social and makes friends very easily.  Plus, he is VERY smart.  While he isn't the smartest kid in class, he is one of the handful of kids who can work independently on his class work without the teacher's assistance.  He reads at grade-level when encouraged to do so, and has "savant-like" attention to detail.  These facts alone allowed me to push the suggestion of Autism, or more specifically Asperger's Syndrome, out of my mind.

Yet there I was, sitting in front of his 1st grade teacher and school principal during the Fall Parent-Teacher Conferences being told that AJ needs help.  He is disruptive in class, exhibits several nervous tics, appears socially awkward, has selective hearing, is unable to cope with disappointment, can't sit still, wanders away from groups, has trouble writing clearly, and walks with a clumsy, hesitant gait.  Having all of these things spelled out to me was a lot to handle.

Overall, I think I handled the conference fairly well.  I didn't go hysterical, or start spouting off all of the reasons I believed there was nothing wrong with my son, or get mad and ask for another opinion.  I simply asked them to spell out for me exactly what they had in mind.  I am forever grateful I did that because I believe that my reaction was a compass point on our journey.

I was told, very clearly, that AJ's school work is great, so the last thing anyone wanted was to take him out of a class that challenged him academically to place him in another situation that might not.  The first step was the evaluation process.  This could take up to three months.  As of this writing we have still not finished with all of the evaluations.  So far we have completed speech, hearing, vision, and medical evaluations.

In all of this I am mindful of one huge thing:  my son is a human being.  He is not a toy to be fixed.  He is NOT BROKEN.  There is nothing WRONG with him.  I cringe every time I hear that word now, especially when applied to a child.  Even a casual "What's wrong with you?" sets my blood to boil.  I realized that I never really used that phrase with my boys.  Even before all of this it seems I didn't care for that phrase.  My phrase of choice was a joking "What is your malfunction?"  For some reason, to me, that seems to be a more gentle way to inquire about a problem.  The word "wrong" just seems...wrong.  Like you aren't the way God intended.

AJ is a delight.  There are not many people who have met AJ who would not agree that AJ is a joy to be around.  I am pretty sure every teacher on staff at his school knows his name and loves him.  He is smart as a whip and, when he puts forth the effort, can accomplish above grade level work.  His downfall is his immaturity.  Socially he has a lot of work to do, but so what?!  There are a lot of people who are "normal" but emotionally deficient in many ways.

As we learn more about what makes him unique, I will keep you updated.  Right now his doctor is more concerned about his asthma/allergies/excema than his behavioral quirks.  In fact, he believes they might even be connected.  Until then, I will leave you with this thought.  God made us the way He wanted us to be made.  He knew the challenges we would face, and put people in our lives to help us through these challenges.  I think God put AJ in my life because He knew there was going to be something in my life that AJ could help me through.  AJ is perfect for me, and through his eyes I can now see myself as perfect him.